What’s a love language? 

When conversations turn to relationships, you’ve likely heard about the “5 Love Languages”.  These are common ways that people express and receive love in a relationship.  Dr. Gary Chapman originally identified these languages in 1992 and has written multiple books about them.  He’s even been on the New York Times bestsellers list since 2007.  We are talking 15+ years of ranking on that list.  

Back to the matter at hand – you can even take an online quiz here.  Answer 30 questions, and you get a colorful graph that tells you how each language shows up for you.

Here’s a quick rundown of the love languages: 

• Words of affirmation. This could be in the form of a compliment, appreciation, love notes, or sweet text messages.  Here an “I love you ” or acknowledge what you see your partner doing well will hit the mark.  Skip that pesky “but” word here – “You were really thoughtful BUT….”  That’s the kiss of death.   
• Quality Time.  The key word here is “quality,” not “quantity”.  This is about spending intentional time with our loved ones without the distractions of technology and other life demands.  Think of undivided attention and focused time.  Eye contact and active listening are two important ingredients in this language.   
• Receiving gifts. Don’t automatically label yourself as materialistic.  This could be anywhere from a small token like a handwritten note to those $1000+ red-soled shoes. With this love language, it’s the gift as well as the thought and effort put into it.   
• Acts of service.  Some of us feel most loved when our partner makes us dinner, washes our car, or fixes the new phone when it decides to go haywire.  It’s the everyday things that we do for our partners that resonate.  Someone who ranks high with this love language often does these things for other important people in their life.   
• Physical touch. Most of us go immediately to sex – yes, this can be part of the equation, but it’s also holding hands and those marathon cuddling sessions.  Being close to your partner(s) is key here.  And a quick validation shout-out to all Ace (or asexual) individuals out there…. You can have a satisfying relationship even if sex is not a driving force.   

And introducing a 6th one… 

• Inclusion. While this love language is not part of Dr. Chapman’s curriculum, it is worth consideration.  

TheSpanofMyHips raised this exact question in one of their blog posts here.  In the post, they posit adding in Acts of Solidarity and Belief love language.  The author notes that this can often show up where the relationship has differing levels of privilege and marginalization.  One partner wants to be visible and seen by others, while another partner with access to privilege may be oblivious to the needs of this marginalized partner.  Being seen and visible can be essential to feeling loved, and having a partner completely support this is key.