How well do you know yourself in the workplace? Have there been times when your team isn’t cohesive, a project doesn’t progress, you feel overlooked when your hand is raised, or you notice some side eyes after you speak? 

How we see ourselves and how others see us can be subtle to radically different. To better understand the relationship with ourselves and others, let’s first look at the four quadrants of the Johari Window Model: 

• Open Self: What you know and choose to reveal about yourself to others. 

• Blind Self: What others know about you but you don’t recognize in yourself. 

• Hidden Self: What you know about yourself but choose not to reveal to others. 

• Unknown Self: The parts of you that no one knows, not even yourself. 

Focusing on the workplace, we’ll look further at the Blind Self—things others at work know about you that you do not recognize in yourself. This can be something simple like frequently saying “hmm,” fidgeting when in disagreement, or avoiding eye contact with those you dislike. 

Self-awareness involves knowing your values, passions, aspirations, and impact on others. It has two components: internal self-awareness (your personal connection with yourself) and external self-awareness (knowing how others see you). Leaders often believe they have high self-awareness, but statistics show it’s typically only 10-15%. This can be due to colleagues not feeling comfortable being honest with their managers or because leaders feel overly confident and no longer seek feedback as they continue to move up. 

Best-selling author and executive coach Marshall Goldsmith created a list of 20 habits in his best-seller “What Got You Here Won’t Get You There” that hold leaders back in the workplace based on coaching some of the world’s most powerful executives.  Here are a few: 

• Winning Too Much: The desire to win, even when it doesn’t matter or is detrimental to your relationships. This is the root of many other habits on the list. We all know this person—they constantly find the shortest line, must one-up you on everything, and needlessly turn interactions into a competition. 

• “No,” “But,” and “However”: Starting sentences with these three words tells the other person, “You are misinformed,” “I don’t agree with you,” or flatly, “You are wrong.”  

• Passing Judgment: This can be in the form of a sound (“ugh”), a counter opinion, a comparison, or simply telling someone you already knew that. 

• Withholding Information: This comes in the form of answering questions with questions, not returning texts, emails, or calls, and giving very brief answers. 

We all display the habits mentioned above sometimes. But are they so frequent that they are holding you back at work? Do they make it hard for others to trust you or be open and honest? There are a few ways to test your self-awareness. 

Feedback gives you insight into your blind self and is incredibly valuable as you progress through your career. The more you understand how others interpret your behaviors, the better you can create a space for others to trust your intentions. Start by asking for advice instead of feedback from others. Advice allows the other person to take past experiences and point you in a better direction in the future instead of providing a historical review of past events. Giving advice is fun for many, but giving feedback can be uncomfortable.  

By simply being observant, you can pick up on reactions in the room as clues to your impact. Do others ask for your input? Are they leaning in and smiling when you speak, or do they shut down after you comment?  

What can you do next? It’s simple: acknowledge the behavior and begin to address it consistently. 

• Pick a behavior you want to change and let others know you are addressing it. This will create accountability for you and bring them into the fold as your advocates.  

• Encourage others to help you by being honest when the behavior pops up. Making a game out of it might help and be fun. You could suggest a scoreboard and the person who flags the behavior the most gets lunch on you.  

• Say “Thank You” (then stop talking). Whether the feedback is solicited or unsolicited, saying “thank you” acknowledges the information and gives you time to contemplate it later. Anything said after “thank you” can be counterproductive and may come across as dismissive. The goal is to encourage others to be open with you, regardless of whether you agree with the feedback.  So, just say thank you.  

• Do some PR for yourself. Since they know you as, let’s say, the person that speaks over them, you’ll have to remind them you are trying to be better, and often at first. They have a bias, and it takes time for someone to see and accept change in others.  

Reflecting on how others perceive us helps us identify when our actions don’t align with our intentions. Small actions accumulate over time to become your legacy, and by observing how others interact with you, seeking advice, and thoughtfully adjusting unhelpful behaviors, we can create new outcomes. And always remember to say “thank you.” 

Thank you.