How do we not lose our identity in relationships?
We often hear the word identity used to describe our sense of self and who we are as an individual. Our identities are shaped by a variety of factors: family, culture, experiences, values, and personal choices. Relationships add another dimension to the formation of our identity. And when we say relationships, this includes many types, not just romantic. Relationships can also include acquaintances, friendships, workplace, family, roommates, among others.
When we form connections with others, we begin to integrate elements of the other person into our own sense of self. We adopt shared values, adjust our behaviors, and may even redefine our goals and aspirations. Being in relationships can both be extremely empowering and challenging. On a positive note, relationships offer us the opportunity to grow and expand, to learn from someone else’s perspective, to challenge potential unhelpful ways of thinking and being, and to incorporate their strengths into our own sense of self. On the challenging side, relationships can present a risk to our identity if we lose ourselves in the connection, whether through co-dependency, excessive compromise, or fear of rejection. Healthy relating is about finding a balance of maintaining sense of self while being connected to others.
Why is it so important to have that sense of self? The benefits to relationships are plentiful.
Encourages healthy setting of boundaries:
Boundaries aren’t just about physical space; they are about emotional and mental space as well. Setting boundaries is not about dictating or controlling how other people behave. They are about communicating to others how you will respond if others’ behaviors cross your lines. Boundaries protecting your emotional and physical well-being while respecting others.
Promotes Healthy Communication:
When you know and are comfortable with yourself, you are more likely to ask for what you want and need. You are also more likely to communicate openly and honestly with others. Open and honest communication fosters trust and understanding within the relationship.
Reduces Codependency:
A strong sense of self prevents you from becoming overly reliant on others for validation or happiness, fostering healthy interdependence instead of codependency.
Enhances Self-Esteem and Increases Resiliency:
A strong sense of self helps you to navigate relationship difficulties and challenges with greater resilience and emotional stability.
Attracts Healthy Relationships:
When you value yourself, you attract people in your life (don’t forget to think of this in terms of friendships) who also value and respect you, leading to more fulfilling and supportive relationships.
So how do we maintain that sense of self while being in relationships? Differentiation is the core skill we want to love. Differentiation is known as the ability to balance the autonomy (self) and the attachment (relationship) so that they can both co-exist in balance. It is the ability to be connected to your thoughts, values, and feelings, while also being close to someone, especially when that person is very important to you.
Examine Yourself: This is all about self-awareness. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Know what triggers you. Know what excites you. Know what you want and need (and what you run from).
Keep A Pulse on Personal Goals and Passions: We all have unique aspirations. It’s important to carve out time for your individual pursuits—a career, a hobby, a special interest or some pursuit of personal growth. A healthy relationship should support your individual ambitions, not stifle them.
Be Responsible for Your Feelings: Know and express what you are feeling. Focus responsibility on what you are feeling, not what others are. Work on staying grounded and calm even when you are feeling activated or if partner is flooded and reactive. Being emotionally self-sufficient doesn’t mean being cold or distant; it means not relying solely on another person for validation or happiness. It’s about knowing that your worth isn’t contingent on the other person’s approval or moods.
Healthy relationships are those that nurture that balance of I and We. These connections support each other to grow, change and elevate and at the same time honoring each other’s uniqueness.
